::Fairy On The Moon::

i speak to you
I don't get a reply anymore

They say silence speaks a thousand words
But to me silence only says one thing

You fear
you tire
i fear
and i tire as well
as long as the last spark of hope is not extinguished
this misery will never cease.
what irony.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/21/2004

I fear what I cannot see.
I fear.. ..that is why i do not want to see
I fear what i know i will see
I fear what is already there.
Truth does not have to be seen by eyes
But it has already been carved upon our hearts
I do not need to see..becoz i can feel.
The truth is..i don't want to venture
I want the truth
but i am not ready for it
I want the truth
but i already have enough of it
i wanna know what you think
but maybe i don't after all
i wanna know what you think
but maybe i already do after all.
i wanna know what you think
but i darent.
i wanna know what you think
but i fear most what i know.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/21/2004

Truth is like water
a little of it quenches your thirst..
too much of it and you drown.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/21/2004

Monday, April 19, 2004

Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to. [please vote! thank
you! :)]

What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/19/2004

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

tmr is my soci final exams and im still blogging...eck. so slack and so awful. was reading my past entries. i guess time dosen't change certain things. im still the same last min pia-er and last min trying-to-do-damage control..night-before-then-come-and-panic girl as before. Indeed, from past to present. There isnt much of an evolution.

Im gonna fail soci tmr
but then again im always saying that
actually..does it really matter if i past or fail?

i can't concentrate..

my mind keeps swimming and swimming and swimming..and i feel like im stuck in a pile of jello

as usual...a bar of toberone beside me..gorging myself..as i always do during exam times

i dunno why i always feel especially distracted during exam times

i always start to tink about alot of stuff..and memories just infiltrate my thoughts.

and all i see ..as usual..is the past in techni-color right in front of me

i think i craved understanding from people..the way a baby craves for candy
but i think it is wrong
because actually..why do i care so much if people understand me or not?
I am already 20 years of age.
i need to stop acting like im ridden with teenage angst.
but easier said then done
just when i think i can bo-chup and ignore everything around me..
and just when i think im getting stronger again
i always slip back down on my self-deceit...and fall back onto the ground where i once was
Can i expect to pick myself up?
when i tell myself that everything is ok now,
i wonder if i am telling the truth.
ooh..these thoughts of mine are like cobwebs ..getting me tangled up
how can i struggle out of them..since they are already a part of me
i keep searching for answers..

..but honestly.. i dunno wad im searching for.

..i dunno what i expect to find.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/14/2004

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

it dosent matter what i say or do
in your eyes i will always be a bad person
you will never think positively of me
everything u think abt me is so bloody negative
i try to do everything i can do help you becoz i care for u as a frend
and you throw everything back in my face and say im shit
i try to give you a sincere kind word or encouragement
and you tell me i am making fun of you
you tell me i am insulting you

everything single thing i do
its becoz i am concerned for u as a frend
but you don't recognise this
you wont believe me
everything you see about me is bad
that im bad
simply bad
you will never think well of me
tho i mean good
never
you only think i am evil

i hate the way you always make me feel fo fucking bad abt myself
i hate the way you always make me feel so guilty
i hate the way you make me cry after you keep accussing me
i give up
you know what?
i give up
i dont give a shit anymore
when i try to be good to you
u accuse me of evil
i give up
i never want to speak to you ever again
i dont have to keep tormenting myself

i may not be as sweet and as nice as k
and i may not be perfect
so im ugly
i dont look good
but u dont have to judge me by appearances
i hate it when you keep making me feel so bad

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/07/2004

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Oh..you know me.

yes the sms
i didnt receive your message
and you didnt receive mine
and i said the connection was bad...which was not uncommon
and u agreed.

but we were singing of different tune
you thought i was speaking about M1 and singtel
but oh! you know me. How i often speak in metaphors, riddles and symbols.
you should have known i wasnt talking about that connection

i hurt you time and time again
yet i dunno why
each time i feel so guilty..and the guilt jus eats away at me like acrimonous acid.
once upon a time when i was seven..my mummy uses to hug me when i had a bad dream and pat me on the head and tell me things would be alright.
but who would wake me up now?
who would slay my monsters and tell me its gonna be alright?
but if this is living..could i dream forever?
if this is living..can i not sleep forever? For i like the reality i create for myself in dreams better.
i don't mean to hurt you
you say you are ok
but i know you arent
how can you be?
when i hurt you so bad?

but since a long time ago
i know you gave up hope
just the way hope slowly drained out of me like the life draining out a a fish struggling on the shore...seeping out of me..till it evaporates into nothingness into the stillness of the night air.

Goodnight.
You say.
We are both happy
We speak in cheerful tones
But i don't like goodnight
because i know its not really good.
its not good
its not good
No its not good
why?
coz it will never be good.

but i understand..or at least i try to
about why.
and i don't blame you
Surely the Lord has a reason for all this to happen
but its not enough.

you know its not enough

i tried hard

very hard

but its just not enough..

its like walking around in a circle..hoping to get to the finish point
and then you realise..you're always ending up and the start.. and that you are
merely walking around..
..in circles. Even if i ran.
i would still be in

circles.

dawn fairy on the moon at 4/04/2004